Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
