don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
