Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
