I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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