I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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