My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
