I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
