He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
