trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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