Barsexuality is the new black.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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