what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
