i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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