there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My vagina just recognized that song.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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