The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
