I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize