i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
