I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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