I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
