She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
