You smell like a Billy Joel song
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
