When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
