White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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