Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
