My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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