Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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