WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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