Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i out mim tonsoeep
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