Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
