I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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