I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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