I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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