Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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