Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
