Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize