Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
