i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
