True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
