I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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