Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
