The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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