She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize