I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
