i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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