The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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