Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
