I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
