Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
