OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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