8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
