GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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