Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
