If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Who did Billy Mays play for?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
