at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
