Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
