I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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