as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
