I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
