the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My penis needs a shock collar
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
