my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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