Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
