So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
