My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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