Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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