K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
