Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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