I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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