I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
