She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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