my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
