The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
